God is or God is Not
I have all sorts of feelings and emotions going on inside of me anymore. Feelings and emotions I never allowed myself to feel, I would kill them with drugs and alcohol. Today, I just sit quietly and feel them, talk about them and work through them. Quite frankly, I do not understand them. It is real easy for me to say; "I am right where God wants me, doing exactly what God wants me to be doing." However, is it just an out I ask myself?
I have all sorts of feelings and emotions going on inside of me anymore. Feelings and emotions I never allowed myself to feel, I would kill them with drugs and alcohol. Today, I just sit quietly and feel them, talk about them and work through them. Quite frankly, I do not understand them. It is real easy for me to say; "I am right where God wants me, doing exactly what God wants me to be doing." However, is it just an out I ask myself? My self will is constantly telling me I have to be able to do more. This is espeially true when driving around town and I see other Masonry contractors working. Then again, there raelly is not that much work happening. These other contractors are also giving there work away and doing both substandard work and most likely operating in manners I choose today not to participate in. It gets into all sorts of moral and ethical practices that I no longer am willing to break. My life is to good and I sleep at night. I have seen one to many of my friends cross the moral and ethical boundary and relpase. I am not willing to give up the good life have built for myself for money or any other material thing. It is only stuff and my peace of mind and serenity is far more important.
It all comes down to: "Either God is or God is Not", and for me God is. If God is, then i am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing at exactly the right moment. Everything inside of me wants to fight this. Everything I know is telling me to push and push some more. Toughen up, dig deeper, do, go, do, go, go, go!!! It is so tiring. It is funny how religion teaches us that; God knows exactly whenb we are going to be born, the exact date and time of our death, he has our whole life mapped out before we are even born. Yet in the same breath, they will argue that Gods plans for me did not included being beaten, molested and abused as a child! That Gods plans for me are only good and loving. That God gives man free will to do as he pleases. What happened all of a sudden to the that God has our whole life planned out down to our last breath? Are we now saying that there are exceptions to this rule? I have sat down with supposed minister of te Christion faith that have gone through seminary to learn the Bible and Gods word inside and out, yet theyt are even baffeled by this question. Why I will ask?
For me, I am going to keep it simple, God is or he is not, there is no in between, period! To think so will be the death of me. I ma not saying that I can sit around all day and do nothing thinking things will just happen, that is an absured idea. We do have to do footwork and taht I do daily. However, to push and try to make people conform to my ideas, to make contractors use me over others because of my reputation is becoming just flat exhausting and I am tired of fighting. I do the foot work. I bid the plans as they come, I follow up and leave the outcome to God. On page 88 of the Big Book of AA, I read this last night for the hundreth time and it really hit me this tim; " We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves." I have finally reached this point and evrything inside of me is fighting it. Why? I went to see my accuputurist today. In doing so, I realized how much tension I am carrying around in my body. My body was fighting with all it had against relaxing, no more, it is time to relax.
It may sound like I am giving up, I am NOT! I am just at a place of complete surrender in my life. I do not kow what tomorrow holds anymore. I do not even want to try and guess. What I know is that God has great plans for me. I have been through so much in my life and I am still young. My close friends tell me that they know of no one else that has gone through all that I have been through. They tell me I have been given a heavy cross to bear. To me, it is not heavy. Yes I have endured a lot in my short life and it is because of what I have endured that I truly believe God has a lot in store for me. The men and boy's life's that I have already touched and helped is what keeps me going today. My therapist recently reminded me that; "Randy, rember you are only alive today by the grace of God. You have seen death twice in your life only to survive. God has great plans for you"
So what is it for you? God is or God is