Scott's Story

Scott's Story

I was sexually abused by two of my brothers. As a child I didn't have the vocabulary skills to say, "Stop! I am going to tell Mom and Dad", No! this isn't right". In some weird way I enjoyed being the abused victim. It felt good to be touched. It felt good to to do forbidden things with my brothers. Shit, this was the only time that we got along. Otherwise, outside of the bedroom the were brutal alpha males. They would gang up on me, constantly pick on me, make fun of me, and call me names. As long as they had dominant power over me anything was possible.

I was sexually abused by two of my brothers. As a child I didn't have the vocabulary skills to say, "Stop! I am going to tell Mom and Dad", No! this isn't right". In some weird way I enjoyed being the abused victim. It felt good to be touched. It felt good to to do forbidden things with my brothers. Shit, this was the only time that we got along. Otherwise, outside of the bedroom the were brutal alpha males. They would gang up on me, constantly pick on me, make fun of me, and call me names. As long as they had dominant power over me anything was possible. So, when the sexual abuse started it was a reprieve: a solace, a time of peace and togetherness. I know this must sound foreign and strange. I was a lost child yearning for any positive attention to which I preceived as love. Like any animal that has a choice between pain and pleasure, you choose pleasure. It wasn't until I was in a healthier relationship, 35 years later, did I realize I had some crossed wires.

One of my major surviving skills was to tell myself that since I didn't have any physical scars then I must not have been abused. It didn't hurt me. By believing this I didn't have to feel the pain, the shame nor the blame inside. This way I could go on living my life. Boy was I wrong. Today I have the support of an understanding partner and a compassionate, trust worthy therapist. With their support I have been able to do some soul searching and go deeper into finding the real me. I am learning to accept myself as a: loving truthful, empathetic, authentic man. I am no longer living in denial and with helpful learned tools I am able to re-wire the emotional damages of my past.

John Bradshaw's book, The Home Coming Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, helped me tremendously. I utilized a very power exercise to heal my wounded child with guided imagery. I - as the loving Adult - went back to my past to talk to my wounded inner child. We: my Adult and my Wounded Child were able to have a heartfelt dialogue. We were able to talk about who we were and what has happened to us. More importantly we are now here for each other to love, to support and to understand each other. With our loving hug we both have quieted the internal sounds of fury in our hearts. Now our hearts beat as one and we are now free to live in the present.

Once you open your heart, you don't want to close it up: The healing process has begun. I began to see clearly how the abuse really effected my life. Here is a small list: Low self-esteem, body image, lack of intimacy, difficulty initiating sex, addictive tendencies, not able to speak my truth, not knowing what I wanted, and not remembering stuff. Unfortunately I have lived a lot of years under these misconceptions. These mental blocks kept me from living a healthy, productive life.

Every day is an internal battle. I am fighting to keep my heart open, to speak my words so they flow freely and to trust my mind so my life unfolds naturally. This is how I thrive as a warrior everyday.

Please share your story. We are not alone anymore. We are here to help each other in any way we can. We must bond together and with empowerment we will keep on living, thriving and growing in every way imaginable.